


Give Me a Kiss

by showmeyourtardis



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Flashbacks, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 17:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15466056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showmeyourtardis/pseuds/showmeyourtardis
Summary: It's Blue's birthday, and everyone has gifted her alcohol. Blue refuses to host a party, leaving herself, Gansey, Adam, and Ronan to drink the overwhelming amount of alcohol they've been given. The next morning they wake up and discover that Ronan Lynch kissed a lot of people last night.He's only interested in his kiss with Adam, but neither of them know how to talk about it without revealing their feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A classic drunken kiss and miscommunication fic. Please enjoy!

Then

“This...” Gansey surveyed the bottles on the floor of Monmouth Manufacturing, rolling between the streets of paper Henrietta, “is too much alcohol.”

“Not possible,” Ronan said, nudging a bottle of green liquid with his foot and watching it roll down a papery road.

Blue didn’t feel older, but technically she was. It was her birthday, but it just felt like every other day, especially since she’d put a ban on gifts – much to Gansey’s annoyance. That ban hadn’t worked on Gansey’s family, her family, or Matthew, apparently. The quantity of alcohol that had been delivered or gifted to her said as much.

“We’ll never drink this much,” Blue said, flopping onto the couch next to Adam.

“Speak for yourself,” Ronan said. He bent down to pick up a bottle of the fancy wine Helen had sent, and studied the label. He seemed impressed.

“This is why,” Gansey stopped the green bottle from rolling over a paper house, “we should have had a party.”

“With who? I have no friends.” Blue caught Adam’s expression, and quickly added, “ _Besides_ you. Every friend I have, that doesn’t live with me, is in this room.”

“Including me?” Noah asked, materialising between her and Adam on the couch.

“Yes, Noah, including you.”

“Yay!” Noah patted Blue’s spiky hair excitedly, “Happy birthday!”

“Yeah, happy birthday, Maggot,” Ronan saluted her with the bottle of wine.

“I think you’re supposed to pour it before you toast it,” Adam pointed out.

He stood up and took the bottle from Ronan’s hand. Ronan let out a grunt of protest, and followed Adam to the kitchen to get glasses. Blue linked her arm through Noah’s, shivering at his cold touch, and watched Gansey survey the bottles on the floor.

“I told them not to get you anything,” Gansey said.

“Maybe they thought alcohol didn’t count.”

Besides the wine Helen had sent, Mr. and Mrs. Gansey had sent a couple of bottles of fancy champagne. They looked expensive, Blue hadn’t read their labels to avoid finding out the exact price. On top of the overly expensive bottles delivered to Monmouth, Ronan had brought a crate of IPAs gifted from Matthew (and probably Declan, but Ronan hadn’t given him credit). Calla and Persephone had given Blue a bottle of homemade strawberry vodka, and a bottle of homemade rhubarb and ginger gin. Jimi had given her cider, and Orla had given her a fruity cocktail mix that she called _Love’s Greatest Gift._

Oblivious, her mum had sent her off with a few bottles of weak beer and a sworn promise to behave herself.

Blue wasn’t even 21, but that didn’t stop anyone apparently.

Adam and Ronan returned with pint glasses of wine.

“ _Pint glasses?_ ” Blue asked, her eyebrows shooting halfway up her forehead.

“It’s all they had,” Adam passed a glass to her. The wine sloshed dangerously close to the top, Blue regretted wearing her white top. She’d definitely spill something before her birthday was over.

Gansey accepted a glass off Ronan, and held it high in a toast, “To Jane. Happy birthday!”

Ronan and Adam lifted their glasses, and Noah lifted his empty hand, “To Blue.”

“I was worried there’d be a speech,” Blue whispered to Adam, making him snicker.

“Just wait, after two drinks he’ll craft an election-winning speech about your ageing,” he whispered back.

“So, are we going to get fucking crazy tonight, Sargent?” Ronan held his glass out to her.

Blue glanced to Gansey, who had pursed his lips in disapproval, and to Adam and Noah who were waiting expectantly. She clinked her glass against Ronan’s.

“Let’s do it.”

Ronan cheered and downed his wine, making Adam widen his eyes. Ronan placed his empty glass on the floor and jogged to his room. He disappeared, and Blue shared a confused look with Gansey.

Ronan came back out with a square parcel wrapped in shiny black paper. He offered it to Blue, who narrowed her eyes at it.

“I said no gifts.”

“I didn’t pay for it,” Ronan said.

Blue perked up, “Dream gift?”

“Dream gift,” Ronan confirmed. Blue reached for the present, but Ronan pulled it away at last minute, “Open it tomorrow.”


	2. Chapter 2

Now

Ronan loved the morning after a party. He loved waking up, half-dressed, an empty glass clutched in his hand. He loved half-remembered memories, soaked with alcohol and laughter. He loved his hangover, and the ever-shifting feeling of sickness in his stomach.

He rolled out of bed, and Chainsaw flew from her perch on his headboard onto his shoulder.

“Kerah!” she screeched into his ear.

He waved her away, irritably, “I’ve got a headache.”

“Kerah,” she repeated, softer.

Ronan let his empty glass roll to the floor, and picked up the t-shirt he’d worn last night. It smelt like Orla’s made up cocktail, and a vague memory of spilling his drink over himself and Gansey drifted into his head. He pulled the t-shirt on anyway, briefly suffocating in the smell of grenadine and cranberry juice.

In the main room of Monmouth Manufacturing, Ronan grinned. The chaotic result of their night was visible for all to see. Through careful care, the paper model of Henrietta had remained untouched and undamaged, but the same could not be said for the rest of the room.

Empty bottles, paper plates, and abandoned pizza boxes littered the floor, where piles of books had once stood. Balloons drifted lazily against the ceiling, bunting hung limply from the walls where it had come loose. The couch cushions had been removed to build a fort, along with the pillows from Gansey’s bed. Dream lights in the form of fireflies, and sparkles, and false fire danced across the room.

In the midst of it all, unruffled and neat, sat Gansey. He bit his lip as he worried over the steeple of Saint Agnes. He clearly had something on his mind, as he picked glue off his fingertips.

Ronan wondered how he managed to look so controlled, so clean, after last night. If Ronan’s memory was correct, Gansey hadn’t turned down a drink all night.

Looking for Adam and Blue, Ronan said, “Good fucking morning.”

Gansey stopped picking glue off his fingertips. He looked up at Ronan, his eyes narrowed slightly. He was subtle, but Ronan was an expert at reading him.

“Spit it out,” he said.

Gansey stood up and dusted off the back of his khakis. He was wearing a navy polo shirt, in typical Gansey fashion, paired with a matching pair of boat shoes. He didn’t look like he’d taken three shots of strawberry vodka in quick succession last night, but he had.

Ronan stretched, his fingertips brushed a blue balloon above him.

Gansey tried to read the answer on Ronan’s face, when he asked, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“You don’t look that good in navy,” Ronan said.

“Not that,” Gansey said, tugging uncomfortably at his navy polo.

“Your ankles are too tanned.”

“Not that, either,” Gansey said, with a frown and a quick glance at his ankles, which were too tanned.

“I once brought a talking spider out of my dreams, but all it said was-”

“I’m talking about you kissing Adam!” Gansey snapped, his hangover made his usually limitless patience a lot shorter.

Ronan shut his mouth. He had known that was what Gansey had meant, but he hadn’t wanted to admit it. Now wasn’t the time to discuss his feelings with Gansey. That time was when hell froze over.

The memory of Adam’s lips on his, and his arms around his shoulders flashed into Ronan’s head.

Ronan hid his discomfort expertly, “I kissed Blue, too. Turns out I’m not her true love. Who fucking knew?”

“What?” Gansey said, as though Ronan had just transformed into a barn owl before his eyes. He pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, “What?”

“I’m not that cut up about it. I always figured she had feelings for someone else,” Ronan sank onto the cushion-less couch, stretching across it like he was the only one deserving of sitting down.

Chainsaw pecked curiously at an empty pizza box, looking for crumbs.

“You kissed Blue?” Gansey spluttered. It seemed he’d finally understood _what_ Ronan had said.

“Just to see if I was her true love.”

“And Adam?”

Ronan tried to shrug dismissively, “He needed the practise.”

Gansey sank to the floor. He worried at the Saint Agnes steeple once more, but his face said he wasn’t done annoying Ronan. While he gathered his mental soldiers to perform a full assault on Ronan’s hungover mind, Ronan shut his eyes. He allowed his thoughts to drift back to last night, in his bedroom, and Adam’s little gasp of breath.

He remembered the taste of rhubarb on his lips, his hipbones digging into Ronan, and…

He remembered how drunk Adam was, how giddy and silly and wasted he’d been. Ronan opened his eyes and scowled at the ceiling. That was not how he’d wanted his first kiss with Adam to happen – drunk, stupid, mistaken. He wanted both of them sober, he wanted to remember the pattern Adam’s fingertips drew on his neck, he wanted Adam to want it.

“Are you even listening to me?” Gansey asked like a weary father to an unruly child.

“No.”

“Ronan, we need to talk about this, you can’t just-”

“I don’t need the sex talk, Gansey!” Ronan spat, jumping up off the couch, “I need greasy food and some fucking hair of the dog.”

Gansey was calm in the face of Ronan’s rage. He picked up a discarded bottle of beer and tossed it into the bin, “Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?”

“I don’t remember, because we were...”

Gansey looked satisfied, “Drunk. You were drunk. Is that all it was? A drunken mistake?”

“Jesus Christ,” Ronan said, dropping back onto the couch, “Is _that_ what you’re worried about? Adam’s virtue? I didn’t taint his fucking purity with my filthy desires.”

“I’m worried about _you,_ Ronan. You’re going to get hurt.”

Ronan scoffed, “It was just a kiss, Gansey, I didn’t propose.”

Gansey could tell he was getting nowhere. Ronan would have them talking in circles all day before he confessed the kiss was more than a drunken whim. With a sigh, Gansey pointed at Ronan’s legs until he moved them, and then replaced one of the cushions so he could sit down.

“Do you think Blue enjoyed her birthday?” he asked, effectively filing away the conversation about the kiss, no doubt for a later date.

“Course she did, I’ve never seen Sargent so happy,” Ronan peered around the room, checking all the obvious hiding places. “Speaking of Sargent and Parrish, where the fuck are they?”

“They went home, sometime around sunrise,” Gansey said. He went into the kitchen and came back a moment later with two bottles of water.

Ronan accepted the bottle offered to him, still cold from the fridge. Breakfast called to him, but he knew Gansey would want to wait to see if Blue and Adam would come. For now, he ignored his hunger in favour of remembering last night.

Besides his kiss with Adam – which he didn’t want to remember this close to Gansey – he remembered his kiss with Blue. It was a lot different to his with Adam, mainly because she’d been so angry, and he’d been laughing so hard.

_You’ve got fucking nothing to lose by kissing me._

_Except my innocence._

He remembered Gansey talking about Glendower, and their attempts at finding him, and how magical Henrietta was. They’d danced, and laughed, and drank. They didn’t need a party, they didn’t need to bring the walls of Monmouth down, they were fine, just the five of them.

There was some alcohol remaining, but most of it was gone. Blue, Gansey, and Adam had surprised him, and no one had thrown up.

Yet.

“It’s killing me, what did the dreamt spider say?” Gansey asked.

Ronan cleared his throat, “Squash one, squash two-”

“Forget I asked.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Blue wake up and have eye-opening revelations.

Adam woke up spooning Blue. He could smell her shampoo, mixed with something sweet and sickly. Through bleary eyes he knew he was in his apartment, but that didn’t explain why Blue was in his bed, and wearing his clothes. He pulled away from her and she let out a long groan.

“It’s too early to move,” she said.

“Agreed,” Adam rolled onto his back. He pressed his fingers to the space between his eyebrows, hoping to stop the oncoming headache, “Why are you in my clothes?”

“Ronan poured champagne on me,” Blue muttered.

Adam smiled. He remembered that. Mainly he remembered Blue shouting, Noah laughing, and Ronan running away.

“How did we get here?” Adam asked.

Blue hummed, “We walked. Gansey offered a taxi.”

“We refused,” Adam guessed.

“Obviously.” Blue rolled over to look at him, “You’re a good big spoon.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, without looking at her.

He wasn’t sure how to treat her since they’d broken up, and things became a lot more complicated when she wore his clothes and slept in his bed. This was the closest they’d been, even while they were together.

“Did you enjoy your birthday?”

“Is not remembering it the same as enjoying it?” She pushed Adam towards the edge of the bed, “There’s not enough room for both of us.”

“This is my bed,” Adam protested, as he was pushed closer to the edge.

“Getting out can be your present to me.”

“You said no gi-” Adam landed on the floor in a crumpled heap, banging his tail bone against the hardwood floor.

By the time he’d stood up, Blue had already cocooned herself in his blanket. He left her in the bed, and went to take a shower to wash the spilt alcohol off him. He squeezed the last remaining drops of shampoo onto his head, and tried to scrub his headache away. He wondered how Gansey and Ronan were fairing.

Gansey would probably look unnaturally neat, while he suffered on the inside. Adam smiled to himself. Ronan would be fine, probably still basking in the afterglow of the party.

Blue pounded on the bathroom door. Out of instinct, Adam covered himself. When he got over his fear of Blue bursting into the bathroom to see him naked, he rinsed the shampoo from his hair quickly.

“One second,” he shouted.

“Adam,” Blue called through the door, restarting her barrage of knocking on the door, “I need you to translate Latin for me.”

“There’s a Latin to English textbook on my desk,” Adam turned off the shower and wrapped himself in a towel.

“It’s too early to educate myself, just do the work for me,” Blue said. There was a pause, before she badly pronounced, “ _Da mihi osculum_.”

Adam froze, his hand on the towel around his waist. He opened the door to the bathroom. Blue looked up at him, water dripped from his hair onto his bare shoulders. Adam wished he’d gotten dressed before he’d answered the door.

He cleared his throat and shuffled awkwardly, “What did you say?”

Blue looked down to the notecard in her hand, and Adam wondered if she really needed to read the three word message or if she just didn’t want to see him half-naked. Splotches of heat formed on his cheeks.

“ _Da mihi osculum,_ ” she said, slowly.

Adam plucked the card from her hand, and she walked back into the centre of his apartment. Adam’s heart stuttered when he read the Latin words written in Ronan’s handwriting. He flushed, and prayed that Blue wouldn’t notice the sudden heat in his cheeks.

“Uh, where did you get this?” Adam asked, unable to look up at Blue just in case she could see the panic on his face. He wondered if this had been in his apartment, if Ronan had hidden this last time he was here.

“It’s part of the present Ronan got me,” Blue said.

Adam relaxed the knots in his shoulders. Blue was sat cross-legged on his bed, wearing one of his t-shirts as a nightdress. It suited her, weirdly. Adam got dressed swiftly, managing to keep the flashes of skin to a minimum.

Blue lifted the present box Ronan had given her last night. The remains of the shiny black wrapping paper littered his bed.

Adam furrowed his brow, “ _Da mihi osculum._ Why is Ronan asking for a kiss?”

“ _That’s_ what it means?” Blue demanded.

She snapped from tired to angry in a matter of seconds. Adam felt like he’d flicked a switch on the side of her head. She seized a ball of wrapping paper off the bed and launched it furiously at the wall. It bounced lamely to the floor. She seized another handful and ripped it to pieces.

“I’m going to kill him,” she said.

“What’s… happening?” Adam asked, taking a nervous step towards her.

She thrust the box at him, and Adam flinched like it contained a bomb. Knowing Ronan, it could. She held it up expectantly, and he gathered the courage to accept it. He peered inside the box.

Nestled delicately in a pile of straw was a figurine about the size of Adam’s hand. The figurine was in the shape of a familiar boy, wearing a teal polo shirt, khaki shorts, and a tiny pair of boat shoes. The tiny pair of glasses the Gansey doll wore were the only thing that didn’t match the real Gansey, the frames were sparkling silver instead of gold.

Adam bit his lip to hide his smirk, but it didn’t work. Blue snatched the doll from his hand.

“You’re dead, too.”

Since he’d already been caught, Adam laughed freely. Blue scowled at him with an expression so similar to Ronan’s, he laughed harder.

Adam managed to speak through his laughter, “You told Ronan about your prediction?”

Blue’s eyebrows creased, and Adam stopped laughing. She was staring intently at the Gansey doll, and avoiding his gaze. She had a secret, and it must have been bad because she bit her lip.

“Blue?”

She shuddered, and muttered, “I kissed Ronan.”

Adam stared at her. He felt hands on his ribs, holding him up and pulling him closer. Blue covered her face with her hands. Adam thought of breathy laughs and warm skin beneath his fingertips.

Through the hands on her face, she said in a mortified voice, “To see if he was my true love.”

“And was he?”

“No!”

“Ouch,” Adam said, pressing a hand to his heart like he’d been stabbed, “You should break that news gently.”

“Oh god,” Blue said, falling back on his bed. She flopped her head onto his pillow, “I kissed Noah, too.”

Adam perched on the end of his bed. He was having a difficult time listening to Blue. He could feel ghostly lips on his, a whispered promise against his cheekbone. The memory was dreamy and lingering. Was he remembering this, or was Cabeswater making him?

“Did we kiss?” Blue asked suddenly, pinning him with a look that was half-amused and half-panicked.

“No,” Adam said, shaking his head to dislodge the memory and convince Blue. It wasn’t her lips he was remembering. It wasn’t her hands that had held him up when he’d been about to fall. It wasn’t her he wanted to kiss again.

The rush of the remembered kiss faded when a horrible thought crept into his mind.

“Did you kiss Gansey?” he asked.

Blue shook her head, but she worried at her lip with uncertainty, “No, I would remember.”

“Are you sure?” Adam grabbed her shoulder, harder than he meant, “You definitely didn’t kiss him? Blue, you have to think.”

Blue slapped him away, “Get off me.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Adam pulled his hands away. He clenched his fists but the panic was welling. He could see it too well. Blue and Gansey drunk and in love, making a stupid mistake – a stupid, fatal mistake.

“We need to go to Monmouth.” Blue clambered off the bed. She held her hand up to stop his spiral into panic, “I didn’t kiss him, but we should check anyway.”


	4. Chapter 4

Ronan was still reliving the memory of Adam kissing him when Noah materialised in front of his face. Ronan didn’t flinch at the sudden dead-boy face in his, but he did narrow his eyes. Noah pulled away, remembering that the living liked their personal space.

He turned to look at Gansey, who was attempting to clean the room, “You’re still alive.”

“Of course, I’m alive,” Gansey said, bending to pick up a shoe that belonged to none of them, “Why wouldn’t I be alive?”

Noah slouched. The door flew open and Adam and Blue lurched into the room. Their joint gaze darted off abandoned bottles, empty pizza boxes, and Ronan, and landed firmly on Gansey.

“You’re still alive!” Blue said, in an eerie echo of Noah’s words.

“Of course, I’m alive.” This time Gansey stopped in his cleaning, “Why wouldn’t I be alive?”

“No reason,” Blue said, quickly. Too quickly. Ronan arched an eyebrow at Adam.

The two of them looked how Gansey probably felt. Adam had bags under his eyes, and an even more exhausted look than usual. His hair was messy and wet, and when he sat down by Ronan a drop of water slipped off the ends of his hair and down his neck. Ronan felt the almost overwhelming need to lick it off. He clenched his fists and glared at an empty bottle of beer on the floor instead.

Content that Gansey was alive, Blue allowed Noah to pat down her lopsided spikes. She was in a t-shirt dress that was a few inches too short in Ronan’s opinion, and probably not short enough in Gansey’s opinion. Ronan found it familiar, but he was sure she hadn’t worn it before. Her hair was flat on one side, and she still had pillow creases on her cheek.

“Are you wearing Adam’s clothes?” Gansey asked, watching Blue cross the room and sit in his desk chair. Noah followed her and leaned against the desk, almost knocking the mint plant to the floor.

Ronan realised that was why he recognised the t-shirt. He felt a sharp stab of jealousy seeing her in it.

“I didn’t go home. It was too far to walk,” she explained.

Ronan felt the knife twist, and focused on the small box in her hand to avoid thinking about Blue and Adam sleeping next to each other. She’d opened his present then. He smirked, preparing for the onslaught. The only thing he regretted was missing the look on her face when she opened it.

He glanced to Adam, and quietly asked, “Did you translate it?”

He was rewarded with a smile on Adam’s face, “She’s going to kill you.”

Chainsaw left her perch on the desk when Noah almost bumped her. She flew to the couch by Adam and allowed him to brush a finger through the soft feathers on her neck. Ronan felt stupid for being jealous of a bird.

“Sargent,” he said. Her eyes locked onto his and narrowed into a glare. “Did you like your present?”

She stood up and Noah shrank back. She brandished the box at him. Ronan heard the Gansey doll rock against the sides.

“This isn’t funny, Lynch,” She said, but she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She was fighting to remain angry, but Ronan knew she was amused by his gift. He shot her a wicked smile.

Gansey sighed, and dropped an empty wine bottle into the bag of recycling he was collecting, “What did you do, Ronan?”

“I gave Blue a present. Is that so fucking bad?” Ronan asked.

“You could have dreamt me anything. You could have dreamt me an actual spider-”

“Been there, done that,” Ronan said. Before he could launch into the Murder Squash song, Blue continued.

“-and it would’ve been better. But no, you had to be a dick.”

“In fairness, being a dick is Ronan’s brand,” Adam interjected.

“You’re on thin ice, Adam,” Blue said, which only made Adam smile.

Gansey gave up trying to clean and walked between Ronan and Blue. He finally looked like he had a hangover when he rubbed his face. He held his hand out for the present to see the damage but Blue didn’t move. She looked at his hand with wide-eyes, and Ronan met Adam’s gaze.

“It’s that bad?” Gansey asked, dropping his ignored hand.

“No, it’s just...”

“Don’t be embarrassed, Sargent. It’s only a kiss,” Ronan called. Adam punched him in the leg.

Gansey spun to face him, annoyance present in his furrowed brows, “Was I the only one not invited to this kissing party?”

“Kissing party?” Adam asked, wrinkling his face in confusion, “Is that a thing?”

Blue met Ronan’s eyes. Her expression asked _does Gansey know?_ Ronan gave her a shrug that he hoped conveyed, _yeah and he’s super pissed off._

“Is that what the gift is about? Your kiss?” Gansey asked.

“Yes,” Blue said, way too fast.

Ronan shook his head, ashamed of her. Since when had Blue become such a terrible liar? He thought living with psychics would hone the skill, but apparently not.

Gansey had obviously forgotten – or chosen to ignore – the fact that Ronan had given the present to Blue before the party, and before their drunken kiss. The gears were spinning in his head, and he rubbed his thumb over his lower lip. He looked like he was one step away from spiralling into madness.

Noah raised his hand, “Me too, me too!”

“What?” Gansey asked, “Who did you kiss?”

Noah pointed, “Blue and Ronan and-”

“You kissed Noah, too?” Gansey interrupted. He sank into the desk chair Blue had departed.

“Chill, Gansey, it was just a kiss. Don’t be such a fucking prude,” Ronan said.

“I’m not a prude, Ronan, I just want to know where I was when all of this kissing was happening.”

Blue kicked open an empty pizza box, revealing an uneaten slice of crust which Chainsaw immediately seized upon. Ronan’s stomach grumbled.

“Probably crying about Glendower,” Ronan said.

“I did not cry about Glendower.”

“Fine, probably kissing a portrait of Glendower,” Ronan corrected, petulantly.

“I was not...” Gansey trailed off with a shake of his head. Ronan had never seen him so irritable. He liked it.

Gansey stood up and straightened his shoulders, “Does anyone want a drink?”

He marched off to the kitchen before any of them could accept the offer. Ronan watched Chainsaw attempt to swallow the pizza crust whole.

Blue put her present on the desk and Noah opened the box. He pulled out the Gansey doll and giggled gleefully. Blue grabbed for it but he held it out of her reach. Making a buzzing sound with his lips, he ran around the room to make the Gansey doll fly.

“It’s not a plane, Noah,” Adam said.

Gansey returned holding two glasses of water. Noah spun around him. Jostled, Gansey handed the glasses to Adam and Blue, only spilling them a little, and sat back down in his desk chair. Blue patted his shoulder soothingly.

“You didn’t miss that much. There were only...” Blue counted on her fingers, “three kisses.”

“Four,” Gansey corrected. He plucked a mint leaf off the plant and put it in his mouth.

“Who else kissed?” Blue asked.

Ronan braced himself. Adam was suddenly interested in picking a scab off his arm.

“Ronan and Adam.”

“ _What!”_

“Can we put a ban on the word ‘what’ from now on?” Adam asked.

“You listened to me talk about kissing Ronan all morning and never mentioned that you’d kissed him, too?” Blue asked.

Noah stopped racing the Gansey doll like a plane and instead made it walk across the back of the sofa. He pressed the doll into Adam’s hair. Adam swatted him away. Gansey peered at the doll, but it was hard to tell if he knew what it was.

“To be fair,” Adam said, leaning his head forward to let Noah walk the doll past him. A strip of sunlight fell over his hair, “we were mostly freaking out about Gansey maybe being dead.”

“Will someone tell me why my mortality was an issue?” Gansey asked.

“It really doesn’t matter,” Blue said, waving a hand. She aimed for dismissive, but Ronan saw right through her. She pointed at him, “I want to know why Ronan went around kissing everyone.”

“Me too, me too!” Noah jumped up and down, waving the Gansey doll around.

“ _You_ only kissed Blue and Ronan, not everyone,” Gansey said tiredly.

Adam cleared his throat and adjusted his position awkwardly, “Actually, I may have kissed Noah, too.”

“Good god!” Gansey cried.

“He asked me,” Adam defended himself, “I wasn’t gonna say no.”

“Didn’t know you were that easy, Parrish,” Ronan hissed.

“Fuck off,” Adam replied, not unkindly.

Gansey stood up and walked to Noah. He plucked the doll out of Noah’s willing hand and studied it. Blue looked panicked.

“Why did you kiss everyone, Ronan?” She said.

“Everyone but me,” Gansey added, effectively distracted from the doll. Blue had saved herself from an explanation for a whole ten seconds. Noah took the doll back.

Ronan was suddenly tired of this conversation. He leapt up, jostling Adam and frightening Chainsaw. He rounded on Gansey.

“You want a fucking kiss?”

Ronan grabbed Gansey’s face and pulled him into a kiss. Their lips only met for a second before Gansey realised what was happening. He shoved Ronan away and swiped an arm over his lips.

“Ronan!”

“There! Now I’ve kissed everyone so it means nothing! If you’re all done getting off over my lips, can we fucking get breakfast?”

Ronan snatched the doll from Noah’s hand and stormed towards the door. Chainsaw leapt into flight and landed on his shoulder, lest she be left behind. Ronan slammed the door shut behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

When the rest of them finally made it outside, Ronan was already in the BMW. He revved the engine impatiently. The BMW growled eagerly, a beast waiting for it’s masters command. Gansey wondered which part of this morning’s conversation had irritated Ronan. At what point had Ronan’s short patience run out.

“If you had to pick, though,” Noah said.

“I _don’t_ have to pick, so I won’t,” Blue said.

Adam walked to the BMW. He didn’t flinch when the engine growled at him. He slid into the passenger seat, and the car skidded out of the carpark like it had seen prey. The tyres kicked up tiny stones and gravel, as the car disappeared. Gansey hadn’t even unlocked the Pig yet.

He climbed into the driving seat, Noah slid into the back, and Blue took the passenger seat.

“I’ll… I’ll get Gansey to pay you to answer,” Noah said.

Blue frowned, “You can’t buy me, Noah. I will not answer.”

“Please, Blue,” Noah whined, “It’s a simple answer, who’s the better kisser? Me or Ronan?”

As he started the engine and headed in the general direction of Ronan’s car, Gansey realised he had too many puzzles to solve. His brain had marinated in alcohol for too long for him to know where to start.

There was, of course, the constant puzzle of Glendower. This morning, however, had brought it’s own puzzles. There was Ronan’s sudden bad mood, the many kisses from last night, the strange feeling he got when he saw Ronan and Adam together.

But there was one particular puzzle dominating his thoughts.

How did he feel about Ronan kissing Blue? How did he feel about Blue kissing someone that wasn’t him?

More importantly, what did kissing her feel like?

“Noah!” Blue protested, making Gansey snap out of his thoughts.

“It’s important,” Noah said. A quick glance in the rearview mirror showed Gansey Noah’s pout.

“It’s not important, Noah,” Gansey said. He had to interject now or Blue would become angry and then he’d have to deal with an angry Ronan _and_ an angry Blue. He squeezed the steering wheel, “Why do you even want to know?”

“Ronan said I don’t count because I’m dead,” Noah said.

Gansey sighed. Blue twisted in her seat to see him, “Tell him to fuck off.”

“Blue,” Gansey said, wearily.

“You do count, Noah. You were my first kiss,” Blue said, softly.

Gansey gripped the steering wheel tighter. He glanced the BMW stopped at the lights ahead of them. They were heading to Nino’s apparently. He couldn’t vouch for their breakfast, and he didn’t really want any more pizza. The thought of last night’s greasy pepperoni made his stomach flip.

In Nino’s carpark, he pulled into the space next to the BMW. The music was so loud, Gansey could feel it pumping through his seat. He wouldn’t have been surprised to learn Adam had become deaf in his good ear after that ride.

Next to them, Ronan sat perfectly still in the BMW, staring straight ahead. Adam was nowhere to be seen. Gansey let out another sigh. They’d had an argument. Why had Adam gone into the car with Ronan? Surely he had noticed the bad mood, surely he knew what would happen.

The three of them climbed out of the Camaro. Gansey knocked on the roof of the BMW and Ronan switched off his music. He kicked open his car door and marched into Nino’s without looking at them. Blue and Gansey shared a look. Noah faded in the wake of Ronan’s anger.

Inside, Adam was already sat down. His mouth was set in a straight line, and he looked down at the table where he scratched his nail into the grain of the wood. Ronan threw himself into the booth, careful not to get too close to Adam just in case it was misinterpreted as enjoying his company.

The hostess looked at Blue, and then slid her eyes to Gansey.

“You’re not working today?” the hostess asked.

Blue glanced at Gansey, her eyes quickly taking in his outfit. He felt very Aglionby, despite not being in his uniform. He took this as his cue to leave, and let Blue chat with her co-worker. He made Ronan get out of the booth so he could sit between him and Adam. Noah squeezed next to Adam, avoiding looking at Ronan.

“What happened?” Gansey asked.

His question was met by silence, which is what he’d expected really. He watched Blue chat to the hostess. Like it had all morning, his mind wandered to how it’d feel to kiss her. He wondered what Ronan had thought when he’d kissed her.

When Blue joined them, there was a tense moment where Ronan glared at her and she glared at him. Before Gansey had to intervene, however, Ronan moved his foot off the seat and allowed her to sit down.

“I asked them not to do this,” Blue said.

A chef came out of the kitchen, brandishing two plates piled high with food. He placed them onto the table with a flourish, and a waitress brought out four smaller plates for them to eat off. They had the choice of savoury breakfast foods like eggs, bacon, and sausages, or sweet breakfast foods like pancakes and waffles drowning in syrup.

“I said no presents,” Blue said to the chef.

The chef laughed, “This? Oh this isn’t for you, Tiny. This is for your friends, it’s… student discount.”

“We don’t offer student discount,” Blue said.

“Sure we do,” the chef chucked Blue’s chin and walked back to the kitchen.

Blue gestured to the food as if to offer an explanation. In the end, though, she just shrugged a shoulder and dragged pancakes onto her plate. Gansey helped himself to eggs and bacon.

Ronan didn’t protest when Gansey slid a waffle onto his plate, but he made no move to eat it. He was staring at the top of Adam’s head, like he was trying to read his mind. Adam, either oblivious or uninterested in Ronan’s gaze, had given up scratching the table and instead watched his watch tick away the seconds.

“You should eat pancakes,” Noah said, abruptly.

Adam looked up, “What?”

“I remember...” Noah paused. Gansey braced himself for the revelation that Noah had kissed someone else last night, perhaps Moira or Helen. Noah tilted his head, “I remember when I was sad, my mum used to make pancakes.”

Gansey was surprised enough to stop eating. He couldn’t remember the last time Noah had talked about his life, other than his murder. In some ways, hearing about his life made him seem more dead. It certainly made his death sadder to remember that he had once had a mum that made him pancakes.

Adam stared at Noah, “I’m not sad.”

Noah just looked back, unblinking. Adam scraped a pancake onto his plate.

“What kind of pancakes?” Blue asked.

“Blueberry,” Noah grinned, boyish and happy. The eerie air around them was broken. He pretended to add cream to Adam’s pancake, “With lots and lots of squirty cream.”

They ate in silence. The atmosphere was tense, a bow strung taut waiting for the first arrow to fly, unlike last night when the five of them had been close enough to kiss, and dance, and laugh for hours. Gansey tried to pick apart his many puzzles but came up short of brain cells.

With just half a pancake in his stomach, Adam squeezed out of the booth.

“Where are you going?” Ronan demanded. It was the first thing he’d said since Monmouth, and it was saturated with all the anger from the car ride.

“Some of us have to work for a living, but I guess that means nothing to you as well,” Adam said, surprisingly acidic for him. Usually his response to Ronan’s venom was cool and sharp. This was emotional and aggressive.

“Fuck you,” Ronan spat.

“That’s your response to everything, isn’t it?” Adam left.

Gansey watched the door to Nino’s swing closed. He waited for Adam to come back, for Ronan to smirk and bump his fist, and for things to go back to normal. He wanted an explanation, he wanted today to be over. He wanted it to be last night again.

They ate in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: there is a lot of cursing in this chapter.

Then

Ronan lounged in the bathtub. Droplets of water leftover from this morning’s showers sank into the back of his jeans. The tap wasn’t a good headrest, and his leg was going numb from where it hung over the edge of the tub. Noah was rooting through the fridge.

“You don’t fucking eat,” Ronan said.

Noah didn’t respond. He opened the carton of eggs to study each egg individually.

Music thumped through the doorway. It switched to a different song, and then another, and then another. Ronan didn’t need to look to know Gansey and Blue were bickering over the music. He also didn’t need to look to know Blue would win, eventually.

Noah dropped the eggs. They cracked, spilling yolk across the tile.

“The fucking eggs,” Ronan said, without anger.

Noah giggled. Ronan purposefully swore more around Noah, because he knew it made him laugh. The guilty giggle Noah let out every time was the reason half the words out of Ronan’s mouth were curse words. He’d never admit it to a soul, but Ronan liked that giggle. It reminded him of Matthew. A child’s laughter at doing something naughty.

“The _fucking_ eggs,” Noah repeated, smiling.

He made no attempt to clean them up. Perhaps because he couldn’t physically pick them up right now, or perhaps because he preferred them smashed on the floor. Ronan didn’t care either way. Gansey might.

Noah was sat on the edge of the bathtub. He hadn’t walked, or ran, or drifted. He’d just moved, and Ronan’s brain had spliced the two images together quickly. One second he was by the fridge, the next he was on the bathtub edge, and Ronan’s mind told him it was fine, it was normal, don’t worry about it.

“Did you not fucking curse when you were alive?” Ronan asked.

“Not fucking often,” Noah said.

“You can fucking make up for it now.”

“Yeah, I fucking can,” Noah giggled again.

The song from the main room stopped changing. Blue had won. In about ten minutes, Gansey would be back to change the song again and the whole argument would start over. When they’d started bickering for the first time that night, Adam and Ronan had watched from the couch, laughing at Gansey’s face. The fourth time it had happened, Ronan had put on the Murder Squash song until they both shut up.

Now they were too many bottles in to care about the music, and Ronan was sure bickering was just how they dealt with the fact they couldn’t kiss.

“You fucking cursed sometimes, then?” Ronan asked.

Noah’s expression drifted. He was looking too far into the past to remain fully present. His shape blurred at the edges, but his voice was audible as if he’d leaned into Ronan’s ear, “Yeah, when I was angry… or upset… not like you swear.”

“You didn’t fucking say fucking,” Ronan scolded.

“Not like you fucking swear,” Noah corrected himself.

“Fucking better.”

Noah came back to the present, and he looked down at Ronan in the tub, “Can I ask you a fucking question?”

“Fucking go for it.”

“Have you ever kissed someone?”

Ronan hadn’t been expecting that. Out of habit, he said, “Fucking.”

“Have you ever fucking kissed someone?”

Ronan never lied. Besides, Noah could read his thoughts, even if he wanted to lie he couldn’t. He didn’t care though, he wasn’t ashamed of the fact he’d never kissed anyone.

“Fucking no,” he said, adjusting his head more comfortably on the tap, “Did you do a lot of fucking alive kissing?”

Noah came closer. If he had breath, Ronan would have been able to feel it. The air got colder as Noah took energy from the closest living thing near him.

“Fucking some,” he said, “But none with a boy.”

“It’s a fucking night to remember,” Ronan said, his heart was starting to pick up. The thrill of what he was about to do was thrumming in his veins.

He kissed Noah. His lips were icy cold, but it was surprisingly not terrible kissing a dead boy. For his first kiss, it wasn’t bad. Noah’s mouth felt natural, his arms around his shoulders felt good. Ronan leaned into the kiss, letting the alcohol ease his mind. He placed a hand on the bathtub edge to steady himself.

Adam shouted from the main room and Ronan pulled away from Noah quickly. He reminded himself it wasn’t Adam he’d been kissing. It was Noah. It was the ghost who lived with them, not Adam Parrish.

“Did you ever want to fucking kiss a boy?” Ronan asked, trying to hide his thoughts from Noah’s mind reading skills.

If Noah could tell that Ronan wanted him to be Adam more than he wanted him to be Noah, he didn’t seem upset.

“Some boys. One especially.”

“You aren’t fucking saying fucking enough, man. You know the fucking rules.”

Noah was too lost though, drifting into his past, into a life that Ronan never belonged in. He was blurring at the edges again. He needed Blue to jump-start his presence, but she was busy not kissing Gansey. Noah was gone from the edge of the tub, standing by the open fridge door and looking at the broken eggs.

“He was like… my Adam.”

“What did you say?” Ronan asked, sitting up.

“Sorry. My fucking Adam,” Noah corrected, but his heart wasn’t in the game anymore. The swearing wasn’t making him giggle, he was remembering what he’d lost all those years ago as he lay on the ley line.

“How do you...” Ronan had been going to ask how he knew, but it was Noah. He knew all of their secrets, he lived in their heads. He knew about Ronan’s crush on Adam, he knew how much he wanted him.

“You’re a better kisser than Blue,” Noah said. He was visibly trying to drag himself back to the present. His edges were blurring and solidifying and blurring again. He was blinking like a failing lightbulb.

Or was Ronan just drunk.

Noah walked to the main room door.

“Wait, hold on, wait,” Ronan clambered out of the tub clumsily. He slipped on the tiles, seized a hold of Noah’s arm to steady himself, “Sargent kissed you?”

“I think I kissed her,” Noah said.

Ronan laughed, surprising himself and Noah, “When was this?”

“A while ago,” Noah looked thoughtful, “Maybe she’s gotten better?”

“Maybe,” Ronan said, still laughing. The two of them rejoined the rest of the party. Ronan found Adam eating pizza, and took the slice right out of his hand.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it's bank holiday Monday, I decided to upload another chapter this weekend. ENJOY!

Now

After Adam left, Ronan stormed off too. Noah faded from this reality at the sight of Ronan’s anger, leaving Blue and Gansey alone in the booth. Gansey looked upset at Adam and Ronan’s falling out, but he also looked tired. Blue had never seen him look so tired, and she knew he didn’t sleep most nights.

“Take me home?” she asked.

Gansey nodded and grabbed his keys. He waited for her by the door while she said thanks to the cooks for her birthday breakfast, and deflected questions about Gansey and the others. She wasn’t in the mood to explain that she was fond of Aglionby boys.

In fact, she was so fond of them, she’d kissed 50% of the Aglionby boys at the booth, but not the 25% she’d actually wanted to kiss.

“They fall out a lot,” Blue said when she climbed into the Camaro.

Gansey started the engine and set off for 300 Fox Way, “Yeah.”

Blue wanted to ask if he was okay, but she was afraid of his answer. He’d seemed perplexed since he’d learnt about her kissing Ronan. She didn’t want to have to remind him that he may be her true love, and he may die when she kissed him.

It wasn’t that she’d wanted to kiss Ronan and not him – it was that she _could_ kiss Ronan which meant that she didn’t actually want to kiss him, and she _couldn’t_ kiss Gansey so that was all she wanted to do. That was a conversation she didn’t want to have at the best of times, and certainly not hungover.

Gansey drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, “Are you working tomorrow? Do you have homework?”

“No, and no. I’m free.”

“It’s been a while since we were all in Cabeswater together, I think it’s time we went back.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Ronan and Adam’s fight could turn into a nightmare. You know how Cabeswater loves intention,” Blue said.

She watched the houses of Henrietta whizz past the window in a blur of browns and greys. The drive from Nino’s to her house was tiny, she usually took her bike, and she wanted Gansey to keep driving. She wanted him to just drive and drive and drive until she felt the same euphoria and sense of belonging she’d felt last night.

He pulled up at the curb in front of her house, and she tried to keep the disappointment off her face. She supposed she had to face the house full of psychics eventually. No doubt, they all had some knowledge of what exactly had gone down last night.

Gansey rubbed his thumb across his lip, “It might help instead.”

“And you’re hoping they’ll be friends again by tomorrow?” Blue guessed.

Gansey smiled at her. He leaned over her to open her door, and she caught the scent of mint on his breath. He was close enough to get her heart beating, close enough to make her shrink back in fear just in case she couldn’t stop herself from kissing him. He pulled back, and his composed mask fell onto his face, hiding his true feelings expertly. He swallowed.

“See you tomorrow, then?” he asked.

“See you tomorrow.” Blue climbed out of the car before she did something not very sensible at all.

The Pig stayed parked on the curb until she entered 300 Fox Way. Inside, she heard whispers coming from the kitchen and her irritability took residence on her face. All she wanted to do was go to her bedroom and imagine kissing Gansey until she fell asleep, but she knew she had to face the whispers.

They quieted when she walked in. Persephone, Calla, and Maura, the terrible three. Calla smiled sharply at her, Persephone watched her with her black eyes, and Maura set her eyes on the hem of Adam’s t-shirt, too short to be worn as a dress.

“Did you have fun last night?” Maura asked, dragging her eyes from Blue’s makeshift dress.

“Yes,” Blue said. She took a yogurt from the fridge just to avoid their knowing looks.

“How much did you drink?” Persephone asked quietly. It was only audible because Blue had been expecting the question.

There was no point lying, but she didn’t have to be specific.

“More than two glasses, less than twenty,” she said, flicking the yogurt lid in the bin.

“Did you stay at Gansey’s?” Maura asked, already knowing the answer.

“Adam’s. We walked home, but it was too far to come here.” Blue gestured at his t-shirt, “He leant me some clothes.”

She didn’t say, _we didn’t do anything,_ because they already knew that.

“How do you feel?” Persephone asked.

“Better than terrible.”

“My turn,” Calla said. She placed her cup of strange-smelling tea onto the table and levelled her gaze at Blue. Blue, who was vaccinated against Calla’s glare, looked back. “How is the snake?”

“Ronan?” Blue asked, “He’s not my true love, if that’s what you were referring to.”

“Blue, you cannot go around kissing people to determine if they’re your true love. There is one, huge flaw in that plan and that is-”

“If I kiss my true love, he will die,” Blue said, cutting Maura off, “ _I know._ ”

“Then why did you kiss the snake? Did you have a sudden craving for venom?” Calla asked.

“No,” Blue snapped. She flung her unfinished yogurt into the bin violently, “I kissed him because I knew he wasn’t my true love. I know who my true love is, _we all_ know who my true love is. So I think for now, if I want to kiss Ronan or Adam or Noah on my birthday, I will! Because the one person I want to kiss, I can’t!”

Maura’s face softened, Calla sipped her tea, Persephone didn’t blink. That was the whole point of this charade. They wanted to remind Blue that she could never kiss Gansey, no matter how drunk she got, no matter how much she wanted to.

But they didn’t need to remind her, she already knew that. She was reminded of that fact every time he laughed, every time he called her Jane, every time she watched Ronan admire Adam transparently and desperately. She was reminded of what she was missing, and what she would never have for as long as Gansey lived.

“I’m going to bed,” Blue said.

“I’ll bring you some hangover tea,” Maura called after her retreating form. She knew the hangover tea would come with an apology.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains Adam Parrish hate.

Adam couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t even remember what he was supposed to be doing on this Peugeot. He was bent over, looking under the hood, but nothing leapt out at him as wrong. He wasn’t even really sure if he was supposed to be under the hood, or under the car, or checking the tyres.

It was a good thing everyone else had Saturday mornings off, because if his manager saw him he’d probably get a word of warning about coming into work hungover. Although it wasn’t the hangover that was distracting him, it was Ronan.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the car ride on the way to Nino’s. He’d been stupid. He’d asked Ronan about the kiss, and to no one’s surprise but his, Ronan had snapped.

_It meant nothing, Parrish._

Then he’d turned up the music, so loud that they wouldn’t have heard a plane landing on top of the BMW, and driven fast enough to press Adam into the back of his chair.

For the brightest student at Aglionby, Adam sure was an idiot. He had thought for one stupid moment that maybe his kiss with Ronan last night had meant something. Despite Ronan kissing two others at the same party on the same night, he had hoped their kiss was different.

Partly because Ronan hadn’t been the one to initiate it, Adam had.

Maybe that was why it meant nothing, though. Adam had been drunk and Ronan had seen him as nothing but a desperate, pathetic mess. Who was Adam Parrish to think that he was deserving of Ronan Lynch? Who was Adam Parrish to dream that he was entitled to a kiss from Ronan Lynch?

Who was Adam Parrish to think he was worthy?

Cabeswater shivered behind his eyes unhappily. It didn’t like when he was unhappy. It wanted it’s magician happy and willing to help, and he couldn’t do that if he was wallowing in self-loathing.

Cabeswater, in all its infinite wisdom, did not understand humans very well, even after a front row seat to Adam’s very human life. It mistook Adam’s longing for last night, his longing for that freedom and friendship, as a longing for Ronan. So that’s what Cabeswater gave him. It showed him his own memories of Ronan.

Ronan dreaming a handful of blue flowers, Ronan singing the Murder Squash song to annoy them all, Ronan holding Aurora’s hand. It showed him sitting in class, sleeping in the back of the Camaro, glancing at Adam in a secretive, exclusive way. Cabeswater gave him memories he’d forgotten from last night – Ronan wrapping an arm around an annoyed looking Gansey, climbing onto the pool table to make Noah laugh, eating pizza with Blue and Chainsaw.

The memories waxed and waned with the beat of Adam’s heart. He forgot where he was. He lost the scent of gasoline, replaced by the smell of alcohol and pizza and the dust of Monmouth Manufacturing.

Cabeswater showed him Ronan’s room, lit by dream things and quiet without music. Cabeswater gave him Ronan’s hands on his ribs to stop him from falling, the carefree look on his face, the smell of sweet wine on his breath.

Adam jerked upright, and cracked his head on the hood. His headache yanked him back to reality. He clapped a hand to the back of his head and groaned. Pain radiated from the back and front of his head. Cabeswater pulled back, the memories hadn’t worked, the Magician was still sad. Perhaps even sadder now.

Adam slammed the Peugeot’s hood down, his anger was temporarily satisfied by the slam. He stormed towards the office to look for paracetamol for his headache. He wouldn’t allow Cabeswater to do that again, he wouldn’t allow himself to believe that Ronan was his. How selfish could he be, to think that he alone had Ronan Lynch?

* * *

The thumping music and smashing sounds from Ronan’s room told Gansey one thing: Ronan was in a bad mood. This wasn’t great, because these days Ronan’s good moods weren’t particularly good. Last night had been different though, he’d been happy enough to kiss everyone.

“Not everyone,” Noah corrected.

“Noah, stop reading my mind,” Gansey said.

“I know why he didn’t kiss you if you’re interested,” Noah said, from his position under the pool table.

Gansey studied his paper Henrietta town for any drops of alcohol, but he suspected there weren’t going to be any. He’d seen his friends tiptoeing around the town, surprisingly graceful and careful for drunk teenagers.

“I don’t care that he didn’t kiss me.”

“You care that he kissed Blue,” Noah said, knowingly. “Are you mad at me for kissing her, too?”

“I’m not mad at either of you.”

Gansey flinched slightly when the sound of smashing glass exploded from Ronan’s room. He hoped he was smashing dream things and not windows that Gansey would have to pay to fix. It wasn’t the money that mattered, it was the principle. Ronan’s bad moods did not entitle him to destroy Monmouth Manufacturing.

“She’s not a _good_ kisser,” Noah said.

“Noah,” Gansey scolded, “That’s not nice.”

“She’s gotten better.”

“Noah,” Gansey said, almost pleadingly.

“We made out on your bed last time.”

“ _Noah,”_ Gansey begged. Noah finally stopped talking.

Gansey sat back. There was no spilt alcohol on his paper town, but there was more to build. He rolled out the paper he kept in his desk for this very purpose and got to glueing. He didn’t want to talk to Noah about kissing Blue, he didn’t want to think about others kissing Blue. He wanted Ronan to come out of his bad mood, and Adam and Blue to come to Cabeswater with them.

“We should have more parties. They’re fun,” Noah said.

“Maybe with less kissing next time,” Gansey said. Right on cue, a bang sounded from Ronan’s room.

“Or more kissing,” Noah said.

Gansey hummed. He wasn’t sure more kissing was the answer.

“Ronan didn’t kiss you because Blue can’t,” Noah said.

Gansey looked up, but Noah had already disappeared.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna say a quick thanks for all your comments, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. Please enjoy the long anticipated Chapter 9!

Then

“Come on, Sargent, I didn’t peg you for a coward,” Ronan said.

Blue stared up at the high ceiling of Monmouth Manufacturing. The music thumped through the floor, pounding through her back and syncing with her heartbeat. She lay side-by-side with Ronan. Their bodies were outlined by bottles and pizza boxes, like some kind of weird crime scene.

“I’m not a coward,” Blue said, her words were slightly slurred, and when she shut her eyes she could feel the world spinning beneath her.

“Seems like you are to me,” Ronan said. He stretched his arms behind his head and shot her a smile that was all challenge.

Blue arched her eyebrow at him, “You’re not my true love, Ronan.”

“Prove it, coward.”

Blue rolled onto her side to look at Ronan, and the world kept rolling beneath her. She steadied her hand on the floor, to avoid rolling right out of Monmouth and down the street. In this light, Ronan’s sharp edges were softer, but his eyes held a challenge that she wasn’t sure she would be able to reject. He ran a hand over his shaved head, and looked up at the ceiling with an expression that said he knew he was being observed, and didn’t mind it.

“Studying your true love?” he asked.

“Shut up, you’re not my true love!”

“Kiss me and prove it.”

“Why do you want to kiss me? I thought you...”

“I...” Ronan prompted. He had a dangerous look on his face, a separate challenge entirely.

“Didn’t like… me,” Blue finished, lamely.

“You mean girls?”

“Well… yeah,” Blue said, flushing for a reason she couldn’t quite understand.

She’d had too much to drink. It was that stupid cocktail that had pushed her over the edge. Orla had added a lot of alcohol and buried it all under sweet, fruity syrups. It was dangerous and delicious.

Ronan rolled over to look at her, bringing his face level with hers.

“I don’t like girls,” he said, surprisingly gently for Ronan.

“Then you’re not my true love,” Blue said.

“Nowhere in the prediction does it say your true love has to love you back. Maybe your true love is gay. Maybe he’s a fucking old man who’s already on death’s door when you find him. Maybe your true love is me, and you’re destined to be eternally stuck with unrequited love. Maybe you kiss me to kill me because you’re so fucking tired of not being loved back.”

Blue stared at him, her mouth hanging open. In all honesty, she’d always assumed her true love would love her back. Isn’t that the point of true love? For it to be requited, destined, perfect?

“Okay...” Blue struggled to keep her thoughts in check, “If what you say is true, and you are my true love, then I’d kill you if we kissed right now.”

“Maybe I want to be killed by you, Sargent.”

“You don’t.”

“Nah, I don’t,” Ronan laughed. It was a sound Blue hadn’t heard often. Before tonight, she had heard it twice, at most. She smiled out of surprise more than anything else.

From somewhere else in the room, a bottle smashed. Ronan and Blue jerked their heads up to look to the sound. They saw Adam laughing from where he lay on Gansey’s bed, and Gansey pointing at a smashed bottle of beer. Noah, likely responsible for the smashed bottle, looked at the beer with an innocent look. Blue cast a quick look at Ronan and saw him watching Adam. He looked so in love, it made Blue want to hold him but she knew that wouldn’t go down well. She wondered if Adam knew how desperately loved he was.

Ronan saw he was being watched. He set his head back on the floor and looked at Blue, “Have you met your true love?”

Gansey shook his head and said something to Noah, a smile creeping onto his face. Blue looked away from him and lay back down. She knew that Ronan already knew the answer. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

“Have you met yours?”

“Fuck you, too, Sargent,” Ronan said. He said it in the same way people said _touché_ or _well played,_ but he didn’t say he hadn’t. “Look, if you’ve met him, you’ve got fucking nothing to lose by kissing me.”

“Except my innocence.”

“You were never innocent.”

“Fine,” Blue said.

She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, or if she was actually interested in kissing Ronan Lynch. She suspected it was more of the latter than she wanted to admit. Lying side-by-side was the closest she’d been to Ronan alone, and she wasn’t sure when she’d see this open Ronan again. Tomorrow, in the sober light of day, he might close down again, rebuild the walls around him.

There wasn’t much of a gap between the two of them where they lay anyway. Blue leaned forward and Ronan leaned forward. They met in the middle. Ronan’s lips were soft, to Blue’s surprise. Sensibly, she knew his lips weren’t going to be hard stone or sharp rock, but she hadn’t really thought about him having soft lips.

Kissing Ronan was so unlike talking to him. He wasn’t sharp or cold or aggressive. He was soft, and warm, and inviting. He was a warmer kisser than Noah, and he was Blue’s first kiss with an alive person.

She pulled away. Ronan Lynch had been her first kiss.

Ronan grabbed his throat. He spluttered and choked and coughed. He rolled onto his back, his body convulsing.

“Ronan. Ronan?” Blue asked, her mind dragged behind her as her body shot up to seize his t-shirt.

Ronan looked at her with wide-eyes, bright and shining in the light. His breath was seizing in his throat, his chest was moving rapidly. Blue grabbed his hand and pulled it away from his throat.

“Ronan! _Ronan!_ ” she hissed. Her voice was stolen by the music, Gansey and Adam and Noah were too distracted to notice Ronan choking on the floor.

Blue had killed him. Blue’s kiss was a killer, even to people who weren’t her true love. She could never kiss anyone alive.

Ronan stilled suddenly. His eyes stared at the ceiling, unfocused and untroubled. Blue clutched his face, tapped his cheek.

“Ronan? Oh god, Ronan, please don’t be dead.” Blue couldn’t call for help, she couldn’t look away from Ronan’s face. Just one second ago she had been kissing him, feeling his very alive breath on her mouth.

“BOO!” Ronan shouted, making Blue leap backwards.

Anger rushed to replace the despair she’d felt a moment ago. He was laughing so hard he was clutching his stomach. He was really choking now, but on his laughter and not on Blue’s kiss. She stood over him and placed her fists on her hips. She glared at him, but it only made him laugh harder.

“That wasn’t funny!” Blue shouted.

“You thought...” Ronan laughed, “You really thought I’d died?”

“I hate you so much, Lynch!” Blue stormed towards the bathroom/kitchen/laundry room. She didn’t need anything from there, she just wanted to leave Ronan.

He reached for her ankle but his hand fell short. His laughter quieted and he staggered up to follow her. Ronan Lynch had been her first kiss, and right now Blue was wishing he had died. He caught up to her, and grabbed her arm.

“I know you’re just upset I’m not your true love,” he said.

“You’re insufferable,” Blue said, snatching her arm from his grip.

“But remember, I got you a dream gift for your birthday, and I have a feeling you’re gonna fucking love it,” Ronan said.

“Get me a drink and I’ll think about forgiving you.”

Ronan bowed sarcastically, and walked off to get her a drink. She glanced to Gansey and Adam, who were lay on Gansey’s bed locked in some deep conversation. She hoped Gansey hadn’t seen her kiss Ronan. She hoped Adam hadn’t seen Ronan kiss her.


	10. Chapter 10

Now

The next day, Ronan allowed himself to be cajoled into the Pig with the promise of an adventure through Cabeswater. Really, he just wanted to get out of Monmouth because he’d smashed a lot of things in his room and if he stayed in his anger for too long he’d never come back out. He had to relax.

The car ride was silent. Ronan had the passenger seat, Blue and Adam sat in the back, and Gansey drove – because no one else ever drove the Pig. Ronan couldn’t stop replaying the car ride to Nino’s yesterday.

_About our kiss-_

_It meant nothing, Parrish._

He could feel Adam’s presence behind him, like a forcefield rejecting Ronan’s gaze. He couldn’t look back, he couldn’t acknowledge his presence lest it give away the truth.

He’d lied to Adam yesterday, the first lie he’d told in a long time.

He’d had to. He couldn’t let Adam rip him to pieces. If Adam confessed that the kiss had been a drunken mistake, Ronan would have died. He’d rather know he could never kiss Adam ever again than face the truth: Adam hadn’t wanted to kiss him last night.

Adam held his heart in his beautiful hands and he could smash it like a Molotov cocktail without trying.

Like Blue, Adam had been drunk and pliable. But unlike with Blue, Ronan wanted to kiss Adam sober. He would’ve sold his soul to kiss Adam, but not like that. Not drunk and silly and fake.

So he’d lied, and told Adam that it meant nothing to save himself from hearing the same words from Adam’s mouth.

Gansey pulled to a stop and the four of them climbed out. When they passed over the threshold of Cabeswater, Noah was with them, having taken a shortcut from Monmouth right to Cabeswater.

“Oh,” he said, looking at all of them, “a lot of sad faces.”

“Which way, Gansey?” Ronan asked. He just wanted to head further into Cabeswater, to feel the familiarity of its magic wrap around him.

Gansey observed the forest around them. He pointed towards a dirt path winding through the trees, and they all set off. Noah fell into step with them.

As they walked, Ronan felt the trees, the grass, the air ease his mind and his worries. He could see it in the others too, Blue’s slumped shoulders straightened, Gansey was wearing a small smile, Adam had his hand stretched out to brush his fingertips against the passing trees.

Ronan fell back to walk side-by-side with Adam. It was his silent, cowardly way of apologising. Adam flicked him a quick glance, his own silent, cowardly apology. Gansey and Blue walked ahead of them. The space between them grew smaller with each step, until Ronan expected them to hold hands, but was unsurprised when they didn’t.

He looked at Adam’s hand dangling between them. He imagined what would happen if he took it.

The dirt path lead them to an area of Cabeswater they’d never been to before. It was a small clearing, green with grass and dotted with colourful flowers. Blue headed for a silver birch tree on the edge of the clearing and sat amongst its roots, her back to the trunk. Gansey sat nearby, after checking the grass four times for bees. Noah caught the attention of a robin in one of the trees, and launched into a staring competition.

Adam sank to the grass, his lovely hands finding pebbles amongst the flowers. His gaze became unfocused as he arranged the pebbles into a shape that only he and Cabeswater could understand.

Ronan loved Cabeswater in that moment. It allowed Adam to be a Magician, let Blue and Gansey chat without worries, let Noah feel more Noah since he’d been murdered, and quieted the constant troubles in Ronan’s head.

He lay on the grass, and watched the back of Adam’s head. His fair hair was shiny in the sunlight, dusting the back of his neck. Ronan squeezed his eyes closed. The grass tickled his neck, the smell of wildflowers filled his nose. He listened to the soft crack of pebbles being knocked together, to the gentle whispers of Gansey and Blue’s conversation, to Noah’s clumsy attempts at communication with a bird. A light breeze drifted over his skin. Ronan shut his eyes, and sleep pulled him down into the earth.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is drunk.

Then

Adam was drunk. Adam didn’t get drunk, he’d seen his father drunk too many times. He’d seen the people of the trailer park drunk and stumbling, sleeping in the road, pissing in the street. Adam didn’t get drunk, and yet, here he was.

But he didn’t feel bad. He didn’t feel the urge to hit and kick, to lie down in the road, or to piss on the floor. He just felt happy, and giddy, and so in love with all of his friends. He sat on Ronan’s bed, the room was lit magically by dream things. The bed sheets were soft on his hands, Adam wanted to curl up under the covers.

Noah was in the room with him, but Adam wasn’t sure how long he’d been there. He’d come into Ronan’s room in the hopes of catching a quick nap before anyone noticed he was missing. That wouldn’t be possible with Noah here.

Noah sat next to him on the bed, and swung his legs back and forth. He picked up a conch shell from the floor. When he ran his finger down the swirling patterns of the shell, a warm orange glow shone from inside the shell. Another dreamt light. Ronan so loved to dream about the light.

“Can we kiss?” Noah asked.

“Why?” Adam asked, taking the conch shell out of his hand to look at it closer. It was softer than he’d thought it’d be.

Noah shrugged his slouching shoulders, “I want to.”

“Okay,” Adam said. He put the conch shell down and leaned over to Noah.

Noah kissed him quickly and eagerly. His lips were icy cold, but they moved like he was alive. Adam didn’t give too much thought to kissing Noah, it was just a friendly kiss. He knew it was the alcohol removing his inhibitions, but he also suspected that he wouldn’t be wholly against kissing Noah sober.

The door opened, a square of light fell on Adam and Noah’s feet. Noah pulled away from the kiss.

“Busy night, Noah?” Ronan asked, leaning against his door jamb.

Noah stuck his tongue out at Ronan and left. A smashing sound from the main room told them where he’d gone. Gansey’s voice was half surprise and half exasperation at Noah smashing something else.

Ronan smirked at Adam, “Kissing boys in my room, Parrish?”

“He asked.”

“And if I hadn’t walked in, would he have asked for a little more?” Ronan made an obscene gesture with his hands.

Adam’s face flushed, “Fuck off, Lynch.”

Ronan laughed as he stepped into the room and shut the door with his foot. He picked the conch shell up off the bed and ran his finger over the pattern, but when he did it the glow from the conch was a soft blue, not orange. The dream light danced on Ronan’s skin, it emphasised the shape of his jaw, the look in his eyes. The light belonged on him.

Adam stood up and the room lurched towards him, “I’m gonna...”

Ronan caught him before he fell, holding him steady. Adam had expected the ground to catch him, and surprise made him grab Ronan’s shoulders. Neither of them said anything. From the main room, they heard Blue’s laughter.

“Where are you going, Parrish?” Ronan asked softly, his breath tickled Adam’s cheek.

Adam knew he’d been going somewhere, but right now he was having a hard time remembering where. He was having a hard time focusing on anything other than Ronan’s hands on his ribs. Ronan’s face was softer, happier, brighter. His breath smelt like sweet wine. He was close enough to feel, close enough to _kiss_ _._

Adam didn’t think about it, just like he hadn’t thought about it with Noah. Only this time, he didn’t think about it because he knew he’d chicken out if he did. He just silently counted to three and pressed his lips against Ronan’s.

For one horrible moment, Ronan froze beneath Adam’s lips. He didn’t move, he didn’t breathe, his hands tightened on his ribs. Then time restarted, the music played, Ronan kissed Adam back. Adam kissed Ronan hungrily, desperately. A sudden need overtook him, he wanted to be closer, he wanted to shed the layers between them.

Ronan held him tight, Adam wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He opened his mouth, Ronan tasted his tongue. Adam pressed his hips against Ronan, delighting in the unchecked grunt Ronan let out. Ronan’s hands pushed under Adam’s shirt, fire burst into life on his skin.

Adam wanted this. He needed this. His heart was threatening to break out between his ribs, he was breathless and hot. He wanted this.

“I want you,” Adam whispered against Ronan’s lips. It was partly to Ronan and partly to himself.

But it was a mistake to break the kiss. It was a mistake to bring Ronan back to reality, because he pulled away too quickly. Cold air swept into the space between them, a harsh reminder of how close they’d been seconds before.

“You’re drunk,” Ronan said. It wasn’t an accusation, but it still hurt. Adam was drunk, but he knew what he wanted.

Adam caught Ronan before he could leave. He pressed their bodies close again, he brushed his cheek against Ronan’s. He felt Ronan almost give in. He wanted to give in, Adam could feel it. He wanted to kiss him again.

But he didn’t. He placed firm hands on Adam’s shoulders and pushed him away. Not too far, but enough to make his point clear. Not now, not while they were drunk.

Adam could still taste Ronan’s tongue, still feel his hands on his ribs. The bed was so close to them, like a magnet pulling them towards it. Adam wanted to stay here, he wanted to lie next to Ronan and trace fingers down his tattoo and feel his heartbeat against his chest.

“Not drunk,” Ronan said, quietly.

He pressed a gentle kiss against his lips, Adam sank into it, a promise that it wasn’t the end.

Adam tried to commit this moment to memory. The pounding music, the dreamy lighting, Ronan’s proximity and his presence, so alive, so real.

He wanted it to be tomorrow already. He wanted to continue this kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

Now

Adam woke up to the smell of moss and wildflowers. It only look him a few seconds to remember he was in Cabeswater, with a pebble still clutched in his hand. The shape Cabeswater had asked him to build out of pebbles was lying next to his head, complete. He’d only just clicked the last pebble into place when he’d felt the overwhelming urge to lie down and dream.

He sat up, grass blades coming away in his hair. Blue and Gansey were asleep by the birch tree. Her hand was clutched in a smattering of buttercups, his head was on her knees.

Noah was gone, but this was Cabeswater, so he wouldn’t be far away. Whatever had made them fall asleep hadn’t affected him.

Adam’s eyes landed on Ronan, stretched out in the grass. In some ways, he looked like he didn’t belong here. A nightmare boy in a world of light and life. But in other ways, stronger ways, he belonged here. He matched the sharp blades of grass, the colour of the daisies around him, the rough patches of dirt under the trees. He was the Greywaren, and Cabeswater belonged to him. He was beautiful.

Adam started when he saw Ronan’s eyes were open. His gaze flicked to Adam and then back to the sky.

“Parrish,” he said.

“Lynch,” Adam replied. He cast another look at Blue and Gansey, willing them to stay asleep. He could still feel Ronan’s hands on him, the promise of a future pressed into his lips. “Did you dream, too?”

Ronan’s gaze slid slowly towards him, falling from the sky and onto Adam. His face was a blank mask, but his eyes sparkled with life.

“Yeah.”

Adam shifted closer to Ronan, until he had to look down to meet his gaze. Ronan didn’t move, but his eyes never left Adam’s face.

“What did you dream about?” Adam asked, softly, almost fearfully.

Ronan let out a humourless laugh, and his gaze returned to the sky, “The same fucking thing as you.”

All at once Adam lost his nerve. Maybe he’d dreamt a lie, a dream Cabeswater gave him to cheer him up. It was a misremembered memory, seen through rose-tinted glasses. What he’d thought all day was true, Adam had kissed Ronan against his will. Ronan had kissed three people last night, but he had only initiated two. He started to move back to his place.

“Say it again,” Ronan said, his voice stopped Adam’s retreat.

“What?”

“What you said, last night.” Ronan’s gaze was still firm on the sky, his jaw was set. “Say it again.”

Adam quickly recapped his dream, his memory, for what he’d said. When he remembered, he couldn’t quite look at Ronan.

“Why?” Adam asked. Did he want to embarrass Adam? Did he want to remind him how stupid he’d been? How pathetic he was? He didn’t need reminding.

Ronan sat up quickly and seized Adam’s hand. His grip was firm and pleading. He ducked his head until his eyes met Adam’s, there was something wanting in his blue eyes.

“Because,” Ronan said, his voice quiet and sharp, “if you say it again, I’ll know it was true.”

Adam looked at him, unable to comprehend. He wouldn’t lie about wanting Ronan, he wouldn’t let the alcohol change his feelings. He may have been drunk but he knew what he wanted, he knew _who_ he wanted.

“I want you,” Adam said.

The words were barely out of his mouth before Ronan kissed him. It wasn’t like last night, it wasn’t sloppy and messy and giggly. It was right, it was sober, it was real. Ronan’s mouth on his was soft but sure. Ronan kept hold of his hand, and Adam’s other hand rested on Ronan’s neck, his thumb brushed along the length of Ronan’s jaw.

Ronan twisted his face, breaking their kiss. He pressed his mouth to Adam’s thumb, to his palm, to his wrist.

“Say it back,” Adam said, delicately.

“I want you,” Ronan whispered into his fingertips.

It was Adam’s turn to kiss him. He caught him so quickly Ronan wasn’t prepared. He fell to the grass, dragging Adam with him. Neither of them minded the change of position. Adam could smell moss and wildflowers and _Ronan._ A smell so inherently Ronan that Adam wanted to bottle it.

Ronan’s hands reached up to Adam’s hair, fingers brushing through the fine hairs at the base of his neck, sending a shiver of pleasure down Adam’s spine. Adam pressed his hands into the grass to keep himself upright, to try to keep some semblance of control. He couldn’t press Ronan into the ground and kiss his way down his chest. He couldn’t peel off his clothes and show him just how much he wanted him.

He couldn’t, because he knew Cabeswater’s spell wouldn’t last forever. Gansey and Blue would wake, Noah would return. This moment would be pocketed, filed away for later, for when they could be alone.

It became harder to maintain control when Ronan’s warm hands slipped under his t-shirt and held onto his waist. Adam pressed his thigh between Ronan’s legs, a little more of his control edged away. He gripped the ground, his nails sinking into the dirt, Ronan’s hand grazed his backside.

Adam’s foot knocked the pebbles. He pulled away at the sound of clicking pebbles and saw the shape Cabeswater had sent to him was ruined. Gansey stirred. Adam sat up quickly. He tried to neaten his hair but judging by the smirk on Ronan’s face, it wasn’t working.

Ronan stayed lay down, a smug look on his face. He licked his lips, he was breathless and ruined, the epitome of guilty pleasure. Adam picked the dirt from under his nails in an attempt to calm his racing thoughts and bring the blood back up to his head before Blue woke up.

It didn’t work. He could feel Ronan’s eyes on his, feel him devouring him with his look.

“What happened?” Gansey asked, with a yawn. He stretched his arms high above his head.

“You fell asleep,” Adam said, unable to look at him, trying to keep his voice calm and collected. He cleared his throat, “We all did.”

Blue ran her fingers down the birch’s trunk. Her hand grazed Gansey’s shoulder and she snatched it back quickly. Gansey busied himself neatening his polo. Adam met Ronan’s smirk with one of his own. It seemed Cabeswater wasn’t just trying to get Adam and Ronan together. He wondered what memory Cabeswater had shown them.

“You look like you’ve kissed a ghost, Sargent,” Ronan said.

“That’s not the expression, Ronan,” she said with a frown.

“Still true,” he shrugged.

She threw a pebble at him and Adam laughed.

* * *

That night, when Adam finished work, he found a package on the doorstep to his apartment. It was wrapped in silky black paper, and held no address. He picked it up and took it into his apartment. Sitting on the bed, he ripped open the paper and opened the box inside.

A notecard sat in the centre of the box, atop a pile of straw. In Ronan’s handwriting, the words _da mihi osculum_ were written. Adam plucked out the card and a smile spread across his face, half out of embarrassment and half out of amusement. Beneath the card, nestled delicately in a bed of straw was a figurine.

The figurine was in the shape of a familiar boy, wearing all black, the edges of a tattoo peeking out of his collar. The expression on its tiny face was one of smug satisfaction, of guilty pleasure. Adam wondered how long it had taken to get the face right. How many Ronan dolls now existed with imperfect faces, or flawed tattoos, or arms too small for their bodies.

Adam placed the Ronan figurine on the upside down bin he used as a bedside table. It was a promise of more to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so incredibly fun to write. And I've loved reading every single comment you guys have left. I'm so glad you liked the fic as much as I enjoyed writing it!   
> If you like my writing style, I do have a few other Raven Cycle fics I've uploaded, and there's one or two in the works right now. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading and leaving kudos and comments, it's meant so much to me.


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